Cutting the ties

This past weekend Claudia and Sebastien wanted to go biking on our street, alone!  It’s a fairly quiet street and most homes have a few small children so most drivers are aware to keep their speed limit down and are cautious of the road.  The problem is not necessarily the drivers, it’s my fear of letting my children grow up and become even more independent of me. 

When I delivered each one of my children the cord was cut before they took their first breath.  For me that tie between us stayed stronger than any material you could ever dream of.  It is invisible to everyone except for me.  It can stretch and bend but it remains locked in place from me to each one of my children.  I decide how long or how far I would like my child to linger away from me but in the end it’s like a boomerang – they always come back.  Now that tie needs to stretch farther and I’m not sure I can do it.  I know I have to let go but it’s like tearing a piece of my heart out of my chest and it’s a scary, frightening thing to do.

I know that if I hover over my children and direct them when playing with their friends that I am not allowing them to find their own boundaries and limitations.  If I intersect every play they will no longer have the ability to have imaginative play or even make friends without me doing it for them.  Every step in their little lives so far has been to give them their independence so why is this so difficult for me now to allow them to bike down the street?

My husband is happy to hand over the freedom they crave.  I, on the other hand, will stand at the end of the driveway watching my heart tag along the back of each bike collecting the rocks and dirt, being bounced and scrapped the entire length of their ride until they return safely to me.  Even then it takes a few moments for me to catch my breath and mend my bruised heart.  Yes I sound pathetic and over dramatic but that is how I felt this weekend when I watched them go.  And they went in separate directions so you can imagine the torment I had going on upstairs (in my head).   Which child do I watch first and how long do I keep my eye on them before switching and what happens if I turn my head and that’s when that one falls but I’m too busy watching the other one?  See....I’ve probably confused you by now too.

School was the first step for me to letting them go and build their foundation toward their independent lives.  This was a little difficult for me but much easier to swallow than allowing them to bike alone.  At school they would be with adults throughout most of the day and in a relatively structured environment.  There was nowhere else for them to go but off and on the bus into this one building.  Here I am unsure that a neighbour would even recognize my child and where he/she belongs or even that they would pay attention to this lonely child biking happily down the road.  I listen to too many missing children’s reports.  Would I do them a favour by imposing my fears upon them?

I fear the most that I have not prepared them enough to deal with situations like strangers or road safety, even though we’ve read umpteen books on these two subjects.  It would also break my heart if they came back after falling off their bike and I was not by their side to comfort them right away.   Baby steps to an independent life without mom and dad always by their side.  It’s brings tears to my eyes to know that one day I will have to let them go.  I know I will never let go completely and between you and I, that invisible cord that ties us will always remain.  Nothing will ever tear it apart.  As difficult as it is for me to see them grow up they will never know my true fears as I want them to be secure and self reliant but confident that they can rely on me and their father to help them if they need it.  I suspect my heart will still feel scrapped and bruised but I’m hoping it gets a little less bruised each time.

Happy Parenting! 

The working parent vs. the stay-at-home parent

I’m certain even after this blog of mine the age old argument will continue to trickle into conversations around the world.  Who works harder; the parent who works in an office all day vs. the stay-at-home-parent?  I had my opinions about stay-at-home-parents growing up and well into adulthood.  I couldn’t understand how they stayed at home while the kids went to school and my opinion of them was summed up in one word; Lazy.  Now I’m walking in those shoes of the stay-at-home-parent so here’s where I stand now.

Before I had children I knew that I wanted to spend the first few years of my children’s lives at home with them.  I didn’t want to miss a single beat of their little lives as I knew just how quickly it would go.  I also didn’t want to have some stranger teaching my child their milestones like walking and going pee on the potty.  I wanted those accomplishments acclaimed to my dedication and hard work.  My husband and I talked in length about my quitting my career at the bank to stay at home.  After my first born it did not make financial sense for me to stay at home.  Here’s a look at our schedule during the week in which I cried myself to sleep almost every single night.  We were up around 5:30am.  Claudia would sit in front of the TV watching Elmo and eating her breakfast while my husband and I got ready for work.  We would leave at 7am and by 7:15am we had dropped her off at daycare and were on our way to work for 8am.  We would pick her up at 6pm – on a good night, I would then make dinner while she watched TV.  Dinner was the only ‘family’ time.  Then it was a quick book and off to bed.  Sometimes I would squeeze a quick bath but most nights I tried to get her into bed by 7pm as we were up around 5:30am the following morning.  I lived this, what I call madness, for a little over a year when I finally went on holidays awaiting my maternity leave for my second child.

Factoring in daycare in Ontario for two children plus our dry cleaning, and occasional new dress pants, shirt or skirt and of course the shoes to update my wardrobe plus everyday clothes for myself, husband and children, gas and the coffee’s purchased at work, etc... = $$$$$.  So I stayed home as it made financial sense.  We had one vehicle so I literally was staying at home.  I finally got the serenity I longed for.  So I thought. 

Here I am at home with my two year old little girl who is calm and easy to entertain and my active, energetic little baby boy.  I am just grateful that he sleeps fairly well during the day.  Trying to keep up with laundry, housework and meals was almost just as challenging as when I worked at the office.  I not only had to play and entertain the children but there were all these chores that seemed to appear just as I thought I had finished them.  Somewhere along the lines my husband and I talked about how I could make some extra cash while at home.  I can’t say for certain who had suggested this but eventually the daycare idea came to life.  I took a course through Algonquin college, which was not in any way, shape or form difficult but definitely needed to set some time aside to read the material and hand in simple essays.  I then took on a little girl about the same age as Sebastien and a few months later a little boy of the same age.  It was like having triplets. 

I lived in the country and the only neighbour around to talk to was older than my mother.  A wonderful woman and bless her for trying to help me with my gardening giving me plants that needed little to no green thumb.  If I wanted to go out with the children I would have to pack everyone up and drive my husband to work so that I could have the van that day. 

We got pregnant for our third and realized we now had literally grown out of our home.  We decided to move provinces and be closer to my family.  I felt secluded in some sense so months before delivering Madison I started packing up the house and closed up the daycare.   She was just 3 months old when we moved and I’m amazed that I was able to do it all.  I did show signs of stress and only now realize it in hind sight.  I didn’t think I would open a daycare given the fact that Quebec is subsidised but I ended up acquiring one through meeting parents at Claudia’s new school.  So here I was, Claudia is off to school, Sebastien and Madison at home with me plus 3 full time daycare kids and 2 part time after school.  That was a total of 8 children from 7am to 4:30pm and oh yes, in Quebec teachers have 20 PD days.  It was the most insane year up-to-date.   It is a wonder why I was stressed (sorry for the sarcasm but I can’t help it sometimes, heehee).

Now almost 7 years later this is what I have much respect for and have learned;

I am every so grateful that I can prepare a healthy meal for my family most evenings and have a stress free dinner to discuss everyone’s day. That is as long as we’re not off bringing one to dance or the other to beavers.  I am every so grateful that my husband and I do not have to have discussions over who’s turn it is to stay at home with one of the kids when they’re sick, as we did with Claudia.  It is my job unless I am the one who is sick.  I am super grateful for having spent all this time at home with my children and wish time could have only slowed down instead of what seems like speed up.

I do have a lot of respect for the working parent as much as the stay-at-home parent.  I believe it is almost acceptable that a working parent have a ‘messy’ house as they are not home to clean up.  So it is with this reflection that there is an unspoken expectation that they stay-at-home parent accomplish it all otherwise they are labelled as ‘lazy’.   Having a home and caring for it inside and out is another job in itself.  It is next to impossible as the children alone take up a lot of time.  I could call upon the almighty baby-sitter ‘The TV’ everyday so that I could get my chores done but then what would be the point of me being at home with them?  This is and may be my job once all the children are at school so I apologize to all those stay-at-home parents I labelled lazy.  My mind set has certainly changed now having walked in those shoes.  And now isn’t that the point of all this – not to judge unless you’ve walked a mile in ones shoes. 

Happy parenting everyone!

Breastfeeding.

I got into a heated discussion with one of my husband’s friends once on the subject of breastfeeding, who is a guy by the way. He felt that hospitals should stop providing formula to new mothers as it would help promote breastfeeding and also informed me that he sat on a committee to help stop companies like Nestle promoting their formulas at the hospital level. I could feel my face turning a deep red and explained as calmly as I could about the demands breastfeeding puts on a mother, never mind the health aspect. I am pretty sure all women know and understand the benefits of breastfeeding.  After all it’s on every pamphlet or wall poster plastered in your OBGYN’s office.

When I had Claudia my entire attitude from the start was; I'm not going to have a birth plan as she and my body will decide how and when she’ll come out and that I will try to breastfeed, having never done so, and see how it goes. Claudia was a whopping 9lbs 3oz and was a hungry butterball. My wonderful sister stayed with me my second night and I’m still thanking my lucky stars I had someone to hold my hand.  The colostrum, which is the most nutritious part, was not enough to fill up my little turkey.  My night time nurse decided to have me pump and feed that to Claudia first then have her latch on afterwards to help my milk production.  Well any women who has given birth will tell you that you feel just awfully fat and feel like they’ve broken the world record for being the most exhausted and emotionally broken human on the planet.  So here I am, crying hungry baby, exhausted beyond belief new mom with suction cups attached to each of my breasts.  I felt like a cow on a production line.  I burst into tears.  Having my sister there made me laugh about it all.  To this day if I had to pump I would do one breast at a time.  I was traumatized!  Claudia drank the only ounce I was able to produce and looked desperately for more.  With mom in tears and a hungry newborn my sister suggested formula.  A ready-made bottle I could plug in her little mouth and then get the rest I so desperately needed.  

My daytime nurse came in and read what the night time nurse had helped me get through and was ready to fire her.  One thing you’ll learn, everyone has an opinion about what you should and shouldn’t be doing with your baby. This daytime nurse felt that I should have stuck it out no matter how long it took for Claudia to latch on and no matter how emotionally drained I was.  The lactation consultant didn’t even want me to leave the hospital until Claudia latched on properly.  In my overtired, over-emotionally drained and Hulk like voice told her to sign the damn papers and that I would do what was best for me and my baby! I honestly was not ready to give up just yet but that I made sure to tell these ladies that it was MY choice.  My main concern was making sure that my baby was getting fed whether by formulated food or mom.  I really didn’t care.

My husband, in an act of desperation and survival went out and purchased an expensive pump to help and it did.  I was able to pump and feed the colostrum to my daughter and top her up with a little bit of formula until my own milk came in.  Boy did it ever!  Turns out I could have breastfed every single baby born in the hospital that night but not every woman is blessed with a cow's milk production gene.

Funny thing is, I went on to have two more babies, and not as over cooked as Claudia was thank you.  I also did not produce quite as much milk as the first time around.  I am happy I had the support to get me through it.  It was not a piece of cake in the beginning, especially with Sebastien.  I will spare you with those details but it was very painful with him.

One of my friends was not even able to produce more than three ounces of milk from pumping both of her breasts.  Honestly we hung out a lot and she did try but her body just didn’t have my cow gene I was blessed with.  It can happen. 

Social economics also plays a big role in whether a woman should and can breastfeed.  Tell me, if a mother is eating poorly like fried foods and junk do you want her to breastfeed her child?  What kind of nutrition will she be passing through her breast milk to her baby?  Wouldn’t it make more sense for her to bottle feed as that baby will get more nutrition out of a man made bottle than her breast milk? 

Breastfeeding has been so glorified that we have forgotten to ask women how they feel about it and look at the picture as a whole.  How dare people presume that it’s a god given gift that we as women are so selfish not to share this natural way with our newborn.  We are also made to bear children but not everyone is blessed to do so.  Just because the mechanics are there does not mean they work.  And if you don’t have a pair of breast yourself I believe you should keep your opinions to yourself!  I don’t go around promoting vasectomies do I?

Happy parenting!

When and how do I use a Time out?

Children are all adorable and innocent looking so it’s difficult for a parent to imagine that your little Angel will ever need a time out.  It’s not that they are trying to be ‘bad’.  Remember that your child is new to everything and must explore his/her surroundings.  They are learning the ways on how to communicate, how to play and share with others.   It is your duty as a parent to guide them.

Children are very smart and capable humans.  They know and understand a lot more than you may give them credit for.  So when I tell you that I have put my one year old in a time-out don’t take a breath in shock.  If your one year old hits another child it is for a reason but its not proper behaviour to express how they feel.  If the behaviour is not corrected because you feel your child does not understand, the behaviour will continue and it will be that much more difficult to correct the longer you decide your child does not understand.  They will fully understand and develop proper ways to communicate with other children with your guidance.

Using time outs is giving your child time to reflect on the behaviour that your feel was inappropriate.  I restrain as best I can from using the word ‘bad’ with my children.  It has slipped a few times and will correct it if I catch myself.  I usually will tell them that the behaviour was not a proper way to play, communicate or behave. 

How to discipline using a time out;

·         Get down to your child’s level so that your making eye contact

·         Speak in a clear, calm but stern voice (NOT yelling) and tell your child that his/her behaviour was unacceptable just now (whether it was hitting, throwing a toy, etc..)

·         Tell your child that they must sit in a Time out

·         Find a place away from other children, a step outside or indoors for them to sit.  Don’t place them in a corner facing the wall – I don’t feel this is very effective but that’s just my personal opinion.  It should be a place that you can see them and keep an eye on them to ensure they stay sitting on their bums.

·         If your child gets up before the time out is finished – you are the parent and you’re in charge.  Take your child back to the time out spot and tell them you did not tell them it was time to get up.  Place them gently back on the step, floor or chair.

·         If your child older and you’re using time outs for the first time this may be challenging in the beginning.  Keep to it, stick to your guns and be firm.  Start your time over every time your child gets out of time out (over the age of 4) and tell them that every time they get up their time starts over again.  No matter if it’s 15 times that you have to keep placing your child in a time out – keep putting them back.  It WILL work if you are persistent and consistent.  In no time your child will know that if they misbehave it is a time out for them. 

·         A time out should be ‘x’ minutes = to your child’s age.  So for a year old it’s 1 min, 2 yrs = 2 min, etc...

·         DO watch your clock.  If you leave your one year old sit in a time out for 5 minutes it will be lost to him/her after that as to why they were put in a T/O in the first place. 

·         Once the time is up approach your child once again at eye level.  Speak in a clear voice and tell your child why they went into a time out and the kind of behaviour you prefer to see instead.

·         If your child is over the age of 2 then you should ask your child why they went into a time out, instead of telling them.  Once they answer you ask them what kind of behaviour mom/dad would have preferred to see from them.  Parenting is repetition, remember, so even if your child answers you and knows what kind of behaviour they should be modeling does not mean that they will not repeat the ‘bad’ behaviour.  But it does mean that it will happen less frequently to not at all. 

It is important to stick to it.  I often hear some parents say that they’ve tried putting their child in a time out but they don’t work.  They don’t work because parents don’t stick to it, don’t make it work and allow their child to get out before the time is up.  When you go to work and you have a project due you’ll work on it, research it and rehearse your presentation to make certain it goes off without a hitch.  Why not put the same effort into raising your children?  The rewards are far better than a pat on the back from pals at the office – I believe.  And you will enjoy spending your days off with your children instead of trying to get away from the chaos.  The chaos was in fact created by your neglecting your duties as a parent.

If you have a better way of disciplining your child that does not involve yelling or hitting and is not a time out, please share.

Happy parenting!

Setting expectations

We’ve all seen this familiar scene. You’re at the grocery store and you hear a child screaming and crying at the check-out line next to yours. Trying not to look like a nosy neighbour you peek at your magazine while catching a glimpse of the commotion. A mother is trying to settle her screaming toddler who seems to be freaking out about wanting a ‘treat’. More people turn to look at this poor frazzled mom, some quite rudely and blatantly peer their eyes at her. Then she takes a chocolate bar off the rack, opens it up and gives it to her child while handing the now empty wrapper to the cashier.
I am a strong advocate in bringing your children out of the home whether to a restaurants, shopping or visiting friends. The more frequent you do it the less of a hassle it will become when they get older. If you have not taken your children out because it is a hassle, do these steps and you will be out having a family dinner or shopping for groceries with well behaved kids in no time at all.
Shopping for children is as fun as watching you cutting your toe nails unless there is something in it for them. I'm not saying that you need to throw them a treat or a party every time you step out of the house. That goes against everything I believe in BUT you need to set expectations and SOMETIMES throw in a trip to the park or a visit at grand-ma's where they're sure to get a treat. Do not let this become a pattern as it will become a not so good expectation from your child that he/she deserves a treat for acting 'good'. The normal expectation you set is that your child should be kind and well behaved every time you go out, treat or no treat.

·         Sit your child down at eye level in front of you.  Do not speak to your child from another room while you’re putting on your lipstick. 

·         Explain that you are going shopping for a birthday present for ‘Joe’ and that is the ONLY item your buying today.

·         Tell your child that it will be a toy store that you’re going to and that you know he/she will see things they want but it’s ‘Joe’s’ birthday and we’re ONLY shopping for him.

·         Now set the expectation; I expect you to hold my hand at all times.  I want you to listen to mommy and be a good boy/girl.  Speak in a clear, calm voice.

·         Keep your expectations simple.  The more ‘rules’ you throw in the more complicated it gets for your child and the rules will be lost after the 3^rd or 4^th.

·         If your plan is to go to the park after your shopping trip tell your child that if they misbehave at the store you will go straight home instead of at the park.

·         While at the store when your child sees something they like and says “can I have that?” Remind them of your conversation at home before your left. Let her/him know that they only came out to get a gift for ‘Joe’.

·         If your child starts to misbehave and not listen, get down in front of them (on your knee) and remind them that you are supposed to go to the park after but that if he/she does not listen to you, you will go straight home.  A maximum of 3 warnings and its game over for your child.

·         DO NOT give empty threats.  This means do not threaten to not do something if they misbehave but do it anyways.  What do you think will happen the next time? 

After your trip to the store if they held your hand, did not touch anything, break anything, run away or cause any kind of commotion tell them; you know what honey, mommy is so very proud of the way you behaved I would like to take you to the park for JUST 15 minutes or however long you have.  Again, set the expectation;

·         Honey, we have 15 minutes to play at the park before we need to get home and start making dinner.

·         I will let you know before it’s time to go that it will be time to go soon.  I expect that when I tell you it’s time to go that you will listen to mommy/daddy and that you will come without yelling and screaming that you’re not ready to leave.

·         If you do not listen to mommy/daddy I will not take you to the park tomorrow to play with your friends because you did not listen to me.

·         STICK TO IT!  If your child does not behave when it’s time to go and gives you a difficult time explain to them (again at eye level) that you do not appreciate their behaviour and the next time you’re invited to a play date they will stay home because he/she did not listen when it was time to go.  Make sure your friend calls you within a few days to set up a play date so that you can answer her/him “I’m sorry we can’t come because ‘Allie’ did not listen to me yesterday when we were at your home.  Maybe next week.”

·         DO NOT buy your kids treats for good behaviour.  They are humans not circus animals needing to do special tricks for treats.

Please send me questions and or comments as I would love to hear your stories or help you with your situation at home.
Happy parenting everyone!

Welcome to my blog.

Hello and welcome to my first blog.  My name is Melissa and I am a mother of 3.  I also have a daycare and have run it for the last 8 years.  I tell it like it is, I don't sugar coat anything and in fact you may even call me the female version of Dr. Phil. The only reason my tips and tricks will fail is because there was no follow through or consistency with your parenting.  I am in no way, shape or form an expert BUT I don't even think the 'experts' are real experts.  Let me explain.

I come from a pretty big family you could say.  I have some 14+ cousins just on one side of the family and have over 10 nieces and nephews.  Even with these stagering numbers I still do not consider myself even close to being an expert on children but I have learned a few things that will never change.  Children come in all shapes, sizes and sometimes a heck of a lot of personality.  No one child is the same and NONE of them come with a book of instructions.  So far not very helpful, I know.   A few tips and disciplinary tricks and life will get easier for you in no time.  That is IF you stick to it.  Nothing will work if you only do these some of the time. 

Your first tip; children as young as 3 months old are no dumbies.  It drives me crazy hearing parents talk about their one and a half year old not knowing any better.  DUH!  It's because you keep labeling him/her as such and not doing anything to change it.  Children at the age of 3 months recognize familiar faces.  Newborns KNOW the sound of their mothers voice and you're going to tell me your one and a half year old does not know any better?  Come on people!  I call it lazy parenting.  

When your child is a year old and they hit another child for a toy they know exactly what they are doing.  It is our human nature to protect what is ours BUT at the same token it's not kind to hit others.  Don't be the parent that pretends they didn't see it happen.  Don't be the parent that says my child does not understand.  They totally get it and they will learn from YOU that it's not all right to hit.  The longer you pretend your child does not 'get it', the longer the behavior will persist and may even get more aggressive.

What to do; Get down to your childs level, take the toy back while explaining that 'Josie' had it first and that your child needs to wait his/her turn (by turn I mean until the other child is finished playing with the toy).  Give your child something else to play with in the meantime.  Yah, you may feel silly talking to a child who's only words consist of momma, dadda and juice, but if you do this every single time this behavior happens, guess what, you're child will get it. 

Parting words; parenting is NOT for the lazy parent(s) or the guilty parent(s).  Parenting is a full time job and it IS constant repetition.   The rewards; raising respectful and responsible children into adulthood based on your love and determination during the early years.  If this sounds remotly like what you're looking for, welcome!