Cutting the ties

This past weekend Claudia and Sebastien wanted to go biking on our street, alone!  It’s a fairly quiet street and most homes have a few small children so most drivers are aware to keep their speed limit down and are cautious of the road.  The problem is not necessarily the drivers, it’s my fear of letting my children grow up and become even more independent of me. 

When I delivered each one of my children the cord was cut before they took their first breath.  For me that tie between us stayed stronger than any material you could ever dream of.  It is invisible to everyone except for me.  It can stretch and bend but it remains locked in place from me to each one of my children.  I decide how long or how far I would like my child to linger away from me but in the end it’s like a boomerang – they always come back.  Now that tie needs to stretch farther and I’m not sure I can do it.  I know I have to let go but it’s like tearing a piece of my heart out of my chest and it’s a scary, frightening thing to do.

I know that if I hover over my children and direct them when playing with their friends that I am not allowing them to find their own boundaries and limitations.  If I intersect every play they will no longer have the ability to have imaginative play or even make friends without me doing it for them.  Every step in their little lives so far has been to give them their independence so why is this so difficult for me now to allow them to bike down the street?

My husband is happy to hand over the freedom they crave.  I, on the other hand, will stand at the end of the driveway watching my heart tag along the back of each bike collecting the rocks and dirt, being bounced and scrapped the entire length of their ride until they return safely to me.  Even then it takes a few moments for me to catch my breath and mend my bruised heart.  Yes I sound pathetic and over dramatic but that is how I felt this weekend when I watched them go.  And they went in separate directions so you can imagine the torment I had going on upstairs (in my head).   Which child do I watch first and how long do I keep my eye on them before switching and what happens if I turn my head and that’s when that one falls but I’m too busy watching the other one?  See....I’ve probably confused you by now too.

School was the first step for me to letting them go and build their foundation toward their independent lives.  This was a little difficult for me but much easier to swallow than allowing them to bike alone.  At school they would be with adults throughout most of the day and in a relatively structured environment.  There was nowhere else for them to go but off and on the bus into this one building.  Here I am unsure that a neighbour would even recognize my child and where he/she belongs or even that they would pay attention to this lonely child biking happily down the road.  I listen to too many missing children’s reports.  Would I do them a favour by imposing my fears upon them?

I fear the most that I have not prepared them enough to deal with situations like strangers or road safety, even though we’ve read umpteen books on these two subjects.  It would also break my heart if they came back after falling off their bike and I was not by their side to comfort them right away.   Baby steps to an independent life without mom and dad always by their side.  It’s brings tears to my eyes to know that one day I will have to let them go.  I know I will never let go completely and between you and I, that invisible cord that ties us will always remain.  Nothing will ever tear it apart.  As difficult as it is for me to see them grow up they will never know my true fears as I want them to be secure and self reliant but confident that they can rely on me and their father to help them if they need it.  I suspect my heart will still feel scrapped and bruised but I’m hoping it gets a little less bruised each time.

Happy Parenting! 

The working parent vs. the stay-at-home parent

I’m certain even after this blog of mine the age old argument will continue to trickle into conversations around the world.  Who works harder; the parent who works in an office all day vs. the stay-at-home-parent?  I had my opinions about stay-at-home-parents growing up and well into adulthood.  I couldn’t understand how they stayed at home while the kids went to school and my opinion of them was summed up in one word; Lazy.  Now I’m walking in those shoes of the stay-at-home-parent so here’s where I stand now.

Before I had children I knew that I wanted to spend the first few years of my children’s lives at home with them.  I didn’t want to miss a single beat of their little lives as I knew just how quickly it would go.  I also didn’t want to have some stranger teaching my child their milestones like walking and going pee on the potty.  I wanted those accomplishments acclaimed to my dedication and hard work.  My husband and I talked in length about my quitting my career at the bank to stay at home.  After my first born it did not make financial sense for me to stay at home.  Here’s a look at our schedule during the week in which I cried myself to sleep almost every single night.  We were up around 5:30am.  Claudia would sit in front of the TV watching Elmo and eating her breakfast while my husband and I got ready for work.  We would leave at 7am and by 7:15am we had dropped her off at daycare and were on our way to work for 8am.  We would pick her up at 6pm – on a good night, I would then make dinner while she watched TV.  Dinner was the only ‘family’ time.  Then it was a quick book and off to bed.  Sometimes I would squeeze a quick bath but most nights I tried to get her into bed by 7pm as we were up around 5:30am the following morning.  I lived this, what I call madness, for a little over a year when I finally went on holidays awaiting my maternity leave for my second child.

Factoring in daycare in Ontario for two children plus our dry cleaning, and occasional new dress pants, shirt or skirt and of course the shoes to update my wardrobe plus everyday clothes for myself, husband and children, gas and the coffee’s purchased at work, etc... = $$$$$.  So I stayed home as it made financial sense.  We had one vehicle so I literally was staying at home.  I finally got the serenity I longed for.  So I thought. 

Here I am at home with my two year old little girl who is calm and easy to entertain and my active, energetic little baby boy.  I am just grateful that he sleeps fairly well during the day.  Trying to keep up with laundry, housework and meals was almost just as challenging as when I worked at the office.  I not only had to play and entertain the children but there were all these chores that seemed to appear just as I thought I had finished them.  Somewhere along the lines my husband and I talked about how I could make some extra cash while at home.  I can’t say for certain who had suggested this but eventually the daycare idea came to life.  I took a course through Algonquin college, which was not in any way, shape or form difficult but definitely needed to set some time aside to read the material and hand in simple essays.  I then took on a little girl about the same age as Sebastien and a few months later a little boy of the same age.  It was like having triplets. 

I lived in the country and the only neighbour around to talk to was older than my mother.  A wonderful woman and bless her for trying to help me with my gardening giving me plants that needed little to no green thumb.  If I wanted to go out with the children I would have to pack everyone up and drive my husband to work so that I could have the van that day. 

We got pregnant for our third and realized we now had literally grown out of our home.  We decided to move provinces and be closer to my family.  I felt secluded in some sense so months before delivering Madison I started packing up the house and closed up the daycare.   She was just 3 months old when we moved and I’m amazed that I was able to do it all.  I did show signs of stress and only now realize it in hind sight.  I didn’t think I would open a daycare given the fact that Quebec is subsidised but I ended up acquiring one through meeting parents at Claudia’s new school.  So here I was, Claudia is off to school, Sebastien and Madison at home with me plus 3 full time daycare kids and 2 part time after school.  That was a total of 8 children from 7am to 4:30pm and oh yes, in Quebec teachers have 20 PD days.  It was the most insane year up-to-date.   It is a wonder why I was stressed (sorry for the sarcasm but I can’t help it sometimes, heehee).

Now almost 7 years later this is what I have much respect for and have learned;

I am every so grateful that I can prepare a healthy meal for my family most evenings and have a stress free dinner to discuss everyone’s day. That is as long as we’re not off bringing one to dance or the other to beavers.  I am every so grateful that my husband and I do not have to have discussions over who’s turn it is to stay at home with one of the kids when they’re sick, as we did with Claudia.  It is my job unless I am the one who is sick.  I am super grateful for having spent all this time at home with my children and wish time could have only slowed down instead of what seems like speed up.

I do have a lot of respect for the working parent as much as the stay-at-home parent.  I believe it is almost acceptable that a working parent have a ‘messy’ house as they are not home to clean up.  So it is with this reflection that there is an unspoken expectation that they stay-at-home parent accomplish it all otherwise they are labelled as ‘lazy’.   Having a home and caring for it inside and out is another job in itself.  It is next to impossible as the children alone take up a lot of time.  I could call upon the almighty baby-sitter ‘The TV’ everyday so that I could get my chores done but then what would be the point of me being at home with them?  This is and may be my job once all the children are at school so I apologize to all those stay-at-home parents I labelled lazy.  My mind set has certainly changed now having walked in those shoes.  And now isn’t that the point of all this – not to judge unless you’ve walked a mile in ones shoes. 

Happy parenting everyone!