When I delivered each one of my children the cord was cut before they took their first breath. For me that tie between us stayed stronger than any material you could ever dream of. It is invisible to everyone except for me. It can stretch and bend but it remains locked in place from me to each one of my children. I decide how long or how far I would like my child to linger away from me but in the end it’s like a boomerang – they always come back. Now that tie needs to stretch farther and I’m not sure I can do it. I know I have to let go but it’s like tearing a piece of my heart out of my chest and it’s a scary, frightening thing to do.
I know that if I hover over my children and direct them when playing with their friends that I am not allowing them to find their own boundaries and limitations. If I intersect every play they will no longer have the ability to have imaginative play or even make friends without me doing it for them. Every step in their little lives so far has been to give them their independence so why is this so difficult for me now to allow them to bike down the street?
My husband is happy to hand over the freedom they crave. I, on the other hand, will stand at the end of the driveway watching my heart tag along the back of each bike collecting the rocks and dirt, being bounced and scrapped the entire length of their ride until they return safely to me. Even then it takes a few moments for me to catch my breath and mend my bruised heart. Yes I sound pathetic and over dramatic but that is how I felt this weekend when I watched them go. And they went in separate directions so you can imagine the torment I had going on upstairs (in my head). Which child do I watch first and how long do I keep my eye on them before switching and what happens if I turn my head and that’s when that one falls but I’m too busy watching the other one? See....I’ve probably confused you by now too.
School was the first step for me to letting them go and build their foundation toward their independent lives. This was a little difficult for me but much easier to swallow than allowing them to bike alone. At school they would be with adults throughout most of the day and in a relatively structured environment. There was nowhere else for them to go but off and on the bus into this one building. Here I am unsure that a neighbour would even recognize my child and where he/she belongs or even that they would pay attention to this lonely child biking happily down the road. I listen to too many missing children’s reports. Would I do them a favour by imposing my fears upon them?
I fear the most that I have not prepared them enough to deal with situations like strangers or road safety, even though we’ve read umpteen books on these two subjects. It would also break my heart if they came back after falling off their bike and I was not by their side to comfort them right away. Baby steps to an independent life without mom and dad always by their side. It’s brings tears to my eyes to know that one day I will have to let them go. I know I will never let go completely and between you and I, that invisible cord that ties us will always remain. Nothing will ever tear it apart. As difficult as it is for me to see them grow up they will never know my true fears as I want them to be secure and self reliant but confident that they can rely on me and their father to help them if they need it. I suspect my heart will still feel scrapped and bruised but I’m hoping it gets a little less bruised each time.
Happy Parenting!
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